He says he’s a feminist but.....!

Nancy told a story about when she was only eighteen. She had a serious relationship with a guy that ultimately did not work out. She met him at a social gathering. She had a steady office job. He was into computers. He looked okay at first, and when he asked her for a date, she accepted.

Gary said that he believed in equal rights for women and wanted equality between them. She said to herself: “At last! A guy who believes in women having rights”. At dinner on their first date he suggested that she pay half the tab. This was acceptable to her, and after that, all bills on their dates were split, unless Gary didn't bring money or a credit card with him, in which case she paid.

Nancy's parents liked Gary. Why not? He seemed decent, had a good job, and he was friendly, neat, and very polite. Despite their own old world views for their daughter, they saw that Nancy and Gary really seemed to like each other a lot. so they fully supported the relationship.

When Gary invited Nancy to go to New York for a weekend, her parents gave consent as their expectation was that marriage was intended.

The Feminist

Nancy began to realize that Gary carried “feminism” as he defined it. He believed that she should pay for half the trip. Her view was that it was his invitation and she thought that he should pay for it and that she would reciprocate and take him on a trip later.

After a few short months, things between them started to unwind. Nancy realized that she had accepted Gary at his saying that he was a “feminist”, but she found out that he wasn't a feminist all all - he was only a tightwad about money. When any decisions had to be made, Gary felt that he alone should make them because he was "the man". When Gary went out, he didn't feel as though he had to tell her where he was going, but if Nancy went out, he wanted to know where she was going, who she was going with, and how long she would be gone. Often, he asked for contact numbers.

Controlling Man

One day Gary told Nancy that if she wanted to marry him, then she had to propose to him - he wasn't going to get down on bended knee and profess his love and loyalty. Instead, it was her job to profess her loyalty and love to him. Is this “feminism” or controlling? This conversation lead to a discussion about money matters should they marry. To Nancy's shock, Gary argued that as he was good at money management, and he should handle her income as well as his own, leaving Nancy free to do "women things." This was her first clue that Gary wasn't a feminist as he first led her believe, but was a controlling man, trying to take over her life.

Critical Man

In time, Gary became highly critical of Nancy - he had negative comments about the way she dressed, the colors of clothing she chose, her style of hair, her shoes - there was nothing Nancy did that seemed to please him.

For his part, Gary thought he was being completey fair in telling her how to dress and what to do. After all, he had to be seen with her. He did not see himself as being a critical man, just a man with good taste.

At first, Nancy was so smitten with Gary that she refused to delve into the complicated, tangled web of control that he had weaved around her. He was convinced of his own beliefs and tried to convince her of his wisdom on an almost daily basis. What started as "are you going to wear that blouse with those pants?" soon turned into "haven't I taught you anything about style? Where is your brain girl? How could you wear those shoes with that outfilt?!!"

As it turned out, Gary felt that it was his right to make all the decisions for Nancy. He wasn't a feminist at all, he was simply cheap and controlling, and he rationalized his views about money, equality and so on by telling himself that he was smarter than Nancy, more hip to the styles, more worldly. Gary was genuinely upset and not a bit confused when Nancy finally worked up the courage to tell told him what she thought of him. He complained that she was unfair and demanding.

Profile the Man

We note some important things.

• First, Nancy accepted without a question to herself, Gary's beliefs about himself.

• Second, Gary felt that he was not deceiving Nancy. He really believed that he was completely fair and she was not. He was not lying. She did not dress the way he wanted her to, she did not go to the places he wanted, she did go out with her friends without him, she did have a mind of her own.

• Third, she had not profiled the man but took him at face value. He looked okay at first, but only at first. After months of being together and after she had a chance to profile him, Nancy admitted to herself and to her parents that Gary was a controlling man, a critical man, and an all-around mean person who ran her down every chance he got.

• Fourth, she missed some signals. He was critical of her friends for no apparent reason except that they would disagree with him on various things. In the end, she discovered that Gary only approved of those friends of Nancy's that approved of him, but any friend who had even a mild criticism towards him, he hated with a passion and sought to rid them out of Nancy's life.

Nancy broke it off and it was painful for her, as breakups can be. Gary seemed hurt as well. But in the end, they were incompatible because Nancy had her own thoughts, her own feelings, and she had goals and aspirations that were simply ignored by Gary because he thought he was smarter than her, and only his decisons, feelings, and goals counted. This, combined with Gary's constant criticism of everything she did, ended the relationship for good.

Today, Nancy is married to the man of her dreams. Someone that listens to her, gives her a shoulder to cry on, and yes, even pays for dinner!

Men's Myth's about Themselves

No woman should take men’s myths about themselves but instead should determine who the man is, where he comes from in life, what his beliefs are - not what he says they are. In other words, she needs to profile the man before she becomes too involved with him, otherwise he may turn out to be a critical man, or a controlling man, or cheap, or just plain mean. For Nancy, this was a painful lesson.

Order our Seminars for download or get the 4-CD package. You are investing in your life, in your future. Learn how to profile the man before you become too involved with him! You need to know if he is a controlling man, or a critical man, or just plain mean before you invest your time and energy in him.