Warn her or not?

Do you tell your friend when you think her man is no good? Or you think, based on his actions, that he is a toxic man she'd do well to stay away from? This is a most difficult question. I have faced this question over and over in my professional and personal life. Should one tell a woman that he/she thinks that the man that she is starting to go out with has serious problems that she does not know about or is blocking out?

It can be a no-win situation for the man or woman who does speak to her in her best interests because it may be received with hostility and accusations of interference.

Part of the answer is to know the woman well and to assess how she has accepted you in your views and judgments in the past. Knowing her for years may make her feel less threatened with your opinion about her man, but it also make you too overprotective. An outsider may see her vulnerabilities with men or a particular man better than you do.

My thesis is that women usually do not see men as they really are. Women can learn if there is someone to teach them, but timing is crucial. The advantage of women, in contrast to men, is that women talk together, sometimes about the men that they are with or just starting to date.

Some men con women – even decent men - because the guys groups say so. They say that this is good or required behaviour. Some men are simply liars. Some have motives such as getting sex and nothing more. Some have read the books too, on how to get any woman that they want.

There are male predators in many organizations, and I don’t mean criminals, but just guys out to exploit women for their own purposes.

I Don't Like Your Man

I usually tell the woman who is involved with what I perceive is a simply awful man, or a man who does not seem to be a good fit. Once in awhile I am hit back with hostility! I am questioning her ability to judge, so she feels she is being attacked. Unfortunately, that is just the point. She lacks judgment about the guy.

I have been bitterly criticized for not speaking up as well.

In a professional role I usually suggest that the well-meaning friend proceed with caution in their wish to help. One woman that I personally cautioned about her man told me years later that she had a wonderful husband and subsequent family as a result. I have wondered why this man, who showed so little interest in her but openly chose other women, turned around. From what I heard, his experiences away from her were unsatisfactory and he eventually turned his back upon unsuitable women.

Women should do the same with unsuitable men.

So many have upbraided me for NOT cautioning them about what they were doing. In practice, it is not my role. Psychotherapy helps the patient find his or her answers whereas counselling gives advice. In my personal life, I can speak up and I do.

You can speak up too, if you so wish. Persuade your friend to look at whom she is with, in a thorough way, which means her looking at everything about him. Your friend may be angry at the moment but respect you later. However, she may still have a grudge.

You may not be liked as the good advice threatens the friend, her vision of the man, her judgment and interrupts her happiness, real or imagined.

Is love blind or is it infatuation that is blind?

So, I grapple with my life-long quest for answers. Some of you may have had experiences that I would like to hear about. Please contact me and tell me your experiences so that I can share them with others. I will not use your real name, only your initials.

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